Kathy Hamilton Problems and stresses in life are inevitable but occasionally they seem to happen all at once, leaving you feeling a little overwhelmed. When this happens, there are some positive ways to cope when things go wrong, and I want to share them with you today.
* This blog post was originally published on 02/03/2018 but recently it seems more relevant than ever. So I’m brining it back to the top of the blog. Hopefully, if you’re looking for some positive ways to cope during the COVID-19 pandemic, you’ll find some tips here.
I actually hesitated before posting this because I like to try and maintain a positive vibe here at the Female Scriblerian. But I am also really passionate about sharing things that are important and have helped me. This blog post is the product of a lengthy phone call. Of the pep-talk variety. So, I’d like to think you could imagine it as a virtual pep-talk. The kind you have with a really good friend who always has advice on ways to cope when things go wrong.
If I’m honest, 2018 hasn’t got off to the best of starts for me. February was a *challenging* month, to say the least. Some big life changes hit me all at once, including having to find and move into a new flat. And lately I have been feeling a little overwhelmed, and I guess a bit sad too.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of positives but it also feels like there’s been a good number of negatives too. I usually try to rise above the bad things that happen and look for silver linings, but sometimes life throws a curveball. And when it does, I try to remember these six things:
Give Yourself a Break
It’s ok to give yourself a break if things aren’t going to plan. I don’t mean a physical holiday, although sometimes that can help too. Instead, try to realise that you don’t have to be everything to everyone and take on more than you can handle.
It’s ok to come home have a hot bubble bath and spend the evening doing nothing more productive flicking from YouTube to Netflix. The amount of pressure and guilt we can heap on ourselves is frightening. And sometimes, it can be a monster of our own creation.
For example, one of the biggest areas of my life that causes me stress is this: I spend a lot of time worrying about whether everyone else is happy or having a good time. So much so, that quite often I forget to have a good time myself. You might be totally different, but whatever is causing you to feel stressed, ask yourself ‘Will the world end if I give myself a break?’, quite probably the answer is no.
Realise You Can’t Control Everything
Probably one of the key ways to cope when things go wrong. This one fits into the point above a little bit. It’s important to realise there are some things in life that we can’t control.
Whatever it looks like, from getting splashed by a car to dealing with a scary political climate, there’s a whole world of things (big and small) that are beyond our control. It can be frustrating, especially when you’re dealing with a situation that feels unfair. But take a deep breath, count to ten, and remember that sometimes life is simply beyond your control
The two things we can control, however, are our own thoughts and actions. We can recognise our positive impact on others. So, instead of trying to control outcomes beyond our reach we can control the smile we give the lady with the crying baby on the bus or giving a little extra tip to the waitress who went out of her way to help you have a nice meal.
When there’s a humanitarian crisis we can give whatever help we can. Sometimes we can even learn to control the way we react to things that are out of our control. Even if it feels like your day has gone wrong from start to finish realising that we can’t control everything is freeing.
Be Kind to Yourself
If your best friend was feeling the way you’re feeling right now, you wouldn’t make them feel guilty and more terrible for those thoughts, right? You’d probably surround them with love and positive things. You might even take them out for a coffee or get them a little treat. So why is it so hard to treat ourselves the same way?
Whenever I get stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts that I can’t seem to break I always try to think about what I’d say to my best friend. It’s usually the opposite of whatever I’m telling myself.
It doesn’t always make me feel better right away, but it usually gives me a chance to pause and at least try and stop the vicious cycle. You can be your biggest critic or your biggest cheerleader, so why not be the latter?
Focus on Your Physical Wellbeing
Whenever I’m feeling stressed, or sad, I tend to let my physical wellbeing slide. I don’t eat right, I don’t sleep properly and exercise? Well, you can forget that! But here’s the thing. Quite often these are the keys to helping me feel better. Getting out in the fresh air (where possible) for a ten-minute walk helps reset my brain.
Trying to get a good night sleep is the same. And, as much as I am an advocate for eating a really good take away, our bodies will start to crave ‘the good stuff’ if we go too long without it.
What this usually looks like for me is an intense craving for a vegetable dense meal, like pasta primavera or something equally as ‘fresh’. It also usually coincides with a sudden urge to eat ALL the apples and oranges! When this happens I try to listen to what my body is telling me, even if it might feel easier to order another takeaway! Usually, my body knows what it needs to start helping me feel better.
Reach out to the ones you love
Your family, your friends, your tribe. There’s no doubt about it, one of the best ways to cope when things go wrong is to connect with people who know and love you. We’re not meant to struggle alone, and sometimes having a talk with someone is the best kind of medicine.
In February this felt like my lifeline. Sometimes, living far away from my family and oldest friends can be lonely, especially when things are going wrong. But it just means that I have come to really relish the conversations we do have.
From long chats about nothing with my sister to pep-talks from my mam, life advice from my dad and some sage words of wisdom from my stepmother, these are the moments that have helped me to remember that ultimately “this too shall pass”. As long as we have our family and friends, life will always be a little better.
It’s Ok not to be Ok sometimes
I’m finishing off with this one because I think it’s really important. It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be angry, it’s ok not to be ok. I think there’s an expectation that we need to happy and strong all the time and when we’re not it can feel like a failure.
But the reality is that happiness is just one of a spectrum of emotions. In fact, it’s not even really the average emotion if you think about it. When we can accept that happiness isn’t the middle ground emotion it can actually be easier to relax.
So, you need to come home and cry over a sad YouTube video? That’s totally fine. The same goes for when you need to have a rant about how frustrating that bus journey was. Experiencing a range of emotions is perfectly healthy and normal. Trying to suppress them all in favour of happiness isn’t.
*One thing that’s important to add here is that I’m talking about transient emotions. It’s ok to have an off day. But when emotions such as hopelessness and despair take hold and just won’t go away, you may have depression. If you think this is the case, it’s definitely ok to seek help from a professional or chat with someone you trust.
What positive ways to cope when things go wrong do you suggest?
Sometimes, no matter what we do, it seems like life is determined to test you. From a string of seemingly insignificant things; spilt coffee, a missed bus, a snapped necklace. To bigger, genuinely life-altering ones. It can be hard to rise above it all. But when you keep the six things I’ve mentioned above in mind, it can be easier to cope when things go wrong.
I’m curious, what do you do when life comes at you fast?
